Telegrams

I just found my lunch. On the kitchen bench. $6.50, eight hours and a starved interval later.

I do not have a good rep with the old service workers.
Explifiying this are:
- The Man Who Drives the 154 Bus (today decided not to stop decidedly distantly from the Libra St stop but instead just keep driving onto the next one)
- The Woman Who Works at the Pool Cafe.

What is this about?

Me: (smiling nervously as doesn't like to bother people) Hello, could I please have a chicken nugget combo?
PCW: That's going to be a ten minute wait.
Me: Oh, ok then, I'll have a...
PCW: You do realise I'd have to cook the nuggets. (Hands on hips, expression of extreme agitation)
Me: ... I'll have a hot dog instead please.
PCW sighs exasperatedly

Man. Finding a house to live in is very hard. Because as soon as you find one that might be ok, you also find it's rather expensive. This means that you have to go looking for a job.
I don't have any job skills.
I can't speak Japanese, I don't "love opening the freezer to see the white stuff" (requirement to sell ski equipment), I don't have three years of wait staff experience, a drivers' license, or a qualification to teach babies how to swim.
Hmm, maybe selling clothes to small children.
No, I am not qualified for this position.
Arghhhh it doesn't make sense, if every place in Auckland requires experienced people working in their establishment then how does anyone get any experience?
By working in the 50s first. In the 50s you can say, "Hey Jim, you got any jobs goin'?" or you can see signs in windows and come back outside a shot later with a triumphant expression.
Or maybe Zimbabwe. I bet it would be easy to get a job there.
Train conductor?
No fucking way.
To work in a glasses shop you need a full driver's license, be fluent in English, Cantonese and Mandarin, a high level of energy, retail experience, a desire to learn, know how to use Excel, MYOB and "Words", be cheerful and responsible and be available all day two days a week. And you're not allowed to be a student.
Well they got me on the cheerfulness requirement.
You even need experience to be a cleaner.
Bed, Bath and Table? What on earth happened to the Beyond?
"Due to the volumes of cash you will be responsible for processing, you need to have sound cash handling experience"
That would be suitable for misers and criminals.
Airport Ramp Staff. Airport Ramp experience required.
There's only one bloody international airport in the country, you'd have to be reapplying for a job you'd already had. Unless, you know, you did it overseas.
Ah yes, those summers I spent abroad in Morocco staffing the Airport Ramp.

"With 20 stores and over 200 employees, beachculture is the best damn retailer of beachculture in the whole wide world and we need your help to get even better!"
Apparently it's "Super fun", and the requirement is the ability to "sell sand to a Bedouin".
Do they actually bring one in to test you? Hmm.

"Performing art students needed to work part time! Each job they receive they will earn them 40 dollars per singing telegram (2 - 10 a day). Must be able to sing and have a full licence, presentable car and know central Auckland. Must be innovative and come up with creative phrases to sing in front of a crowd inside a full body suit. Call SJS NOW and convince us over the phone of your BRILLIANT confident personality!!! "

To be an English tutor you apparently need to have higher than a BA.


"We are looking for students to join our promotional crew. Most of our work is giving away free product and occasionally selling our product at events. You must be energetic, have friendly personality and be able to engage with customers and sell our product..."
Yes, yes, fine,
"... You must also be comfortable wearing bikinis at beach parties."
This would be fine if I were Incredibly Hot.

Ah...