IRL

I am trying to listen to Freak the Sheep on bfm. I like listening to Freak the Sheep on bfm because sometimes people I know in real life come on the radio and then I have a small happy feeling that means, "I know these guys in real life. They glared at me on New Year's Eve but it was probably because they were wasted." Mostly I forget to listen to it, even though there's nothing on TV on a Wednesday after X Factor Australia. I am not listening to Freak the Sheep right now though because I don't like Home Brew. I am listening to Chairlift's new album that I actually paid for from iTunes because I couldn't find a Mediafire link and I really wanted to listen to it and it is "Student Hardship Day". I remembered to listen to it this time because it's on after the bfm Top Ten, which I wanted to listen to because I wanted to see if Grass Cannons were #1. They were #1. I texted Alex to tell him. He texted me back one time but he didn't text me after that. I felt a little bit sad but it's okay because they are in Hamilton with some guys who are from Shanghai. I knew that the bfm Top Ten is on on a Wednesday because last Wednesday we heard it on the way to the Popstrangers/Sherpa/Cool Cult gig which was at the Snake Pit. I did not have a good time. My friend Joe Bowman went to try and see this girl but she was on drugs and ignored him a lot and he felt really sad which made me feel really sad but I didn't want to go home because I thought maybe it would get better, especially when I saw some of my friends who I'd hung out with all weekend at Chronophonium were outside. It didn't get better, maybe there wasn't a "fun vibe" or something, I don't know, maybe it was because it was all ages and there were a lot of very young people dancing around vibrantly, even to this Cool Cult song about wanting to kill someone and bury their body. There was also a song that I thought was about going to someone's house and wanting to have sex on their floor but it's too messy but Joe Bowman texted Lliam to ask him later on and he said that wasn't it. When Sherpa played I just felt worse and worse and I had to go outside because I couldn't breathe and then I sat outside for ages and tried to be friends with everyone but they were all trying to get with each other and I had no-one to get with. I tried to carry on a conversation from a few days before but it didn't really work. When I went back inside the gig was over and everyone was packing up. I tried to help but everyone said they didn't need help. I tried to find Joe Bowman but he had gone off with another lady. I stood outside. Lliam asked me where Joe Bowman was. I said I didn't know. He asked if I was going home with him. I said yes. He asked if I wanted him to call him. I said no. He said, "What a dick". Maté said, "What a dick". Alex said, "What a bad friend". They all went downstairs to collect more gear. When he came back he asked if I was sure I didn't want him to call Joe Bowman. I said that he could call him if he wanted to. He began calling him but right that moment he came around the corner with the new lady. Everyone else had gone away but Lliam said something like, "Where were you, you dick". I said, "Can we go home", but I sounded a bit croaky but I didn't want to cry but then Joe Bowman had to say goodbye to the lady so I ended up crying a little bit in front of them.

I've felt really sad at two other gigs in my life, last year at the Moronsayswhat?!? reunion gig where I had come up to Auckland to see my old (but at that time current) boyfriend but he largely ignored me and then went to buy some alcohol with Jess Dew and Anthony Drent without telling me and left me standing at Tabbac by myself. I was wearing a fancy outfit because I didn't have any ID and Alex said I should wear a fancy outfit and put my hair up because then I look older. I felt very sad and alone because I knew that I needed to not have a boyfriend who didn't want to see me but I didn't want to go through the process of boyfriend eradication. Then I stood with Michael Macdonald who was in a similar situation, I think. Grass Cannons were playing Antarctica and when Alex sang "dick in the mouth", he looked straight at me and Michael Macdonald. We both looked at each other and that made me feel better because it was such a funny thing to have happen, especially because it's such an earnest song. I just realised that it's really silly that I can never remember that earnest means "serious", because the German word for serious is ernst and I've known that since I was about fourteen. The dick in the mouth eye contact was a small secret between me and Michael but I must have told Tim or something and he told Alex on the way to the bus and I was really embarrassed. It was raining a lot. I was really thirsty and we went to the dairy that's called Family Superette, maybe, and it's opposite Aotea Square. I wanted to buy a can of Coke but they only had bottles and I only had two dollars in my life. I ended up having to buy two massive cans because it was cheaper than a bottle and going into overdraft for the first time. I stayed in overdraft for the next six months. We caught the bus to Highbury and it cost a whole lot of money and I don't remember most of what happened but someone called Scott was there, he was very drunk and had been at Whammy where his girlfriend had been the photographer for God Bows to Maths, I think. I think they had an EP release. I'm not really sure. There was a cone on the road in Highbury and Scott tried to steal it. I told Alex about how Tim tried to teach me to play bass but he was too mean about it and I was discouraged. Then he thought I was left handed too but I just did the demonstration backwards because I was wearing my fake fur coat and I didn't want it to get wet in the rain so I had to hold it under my left arm. I feel like I might have forgiven Tim by the time we got back to his house, I remember trying to lie all the wet clothes out in his downstairs spare room and dragging the heater in. He doesn't live there anymore, he lives somewhere else I haven't been.
My phone just went off and I nearly jumped out of my skin. No-one even texted me, it was just an e-mail from The Warehouse careers.
The other time I was at a gig and felt really horrible all of a sudden was the weekend before last weekend at Chronophonium. I had been having a really good time hanging out with people who I normally didn't get to talk properly. Sitting on the confidence course answering Tui bottle lid questions. Watching Michael do the most dangerous flying fox I'd seen in my life and hoping he didn't die. Then when it got dark, this was about 11pm, everything got a bit seedy, crushing pills in the bathroom and falling over down holes, covered in paint, playing handball. Nearly everyone was really wasted. I sat by myself on some steps, in between the main building and the stage. I wanted to text Miranda to say have a happy 21st but there was no reception. I felt weird that I was in a forest outside of Whangarei instead of at the party. I just felt weird that I didn't have a friend who was my own friend to hang out with. I don't know. I felt like I wasn't having the appropriate amount of fun and that when I went home I was going to feel really horrible about not making the most of it. I also felt really bad because I'd been awake for 36 hours and had drunk a bottle of Lift Plus and two cans and not really eaten anything besides pastrami and custard. I thought maybe I should just go to sleep by myself but I wished someone would come and sit with me or ask if I was okay. Someone did ask me if I was okay and I ended up sitting there and talking for hours and not going to sleep for a long time and not by myself either and I was really surprised because that's not how things turn out ever.
But now I have no idea what's going on, more typically. On Friday my friend Ryan took me out and we went all over town in his little car and I told the full whole story from the beginning, including all the bits like, Then I had to stop at the petrol station to ask for directions and I felt really out of place because I was wearing a massive black hat, and Then I went into a walk in freezer that reminded me of Lincoln Rd Pak'N'Save, circa 1996. We stopped at one KFC, two beaches, two malls, two fish and chip shops and a park while I recounted my life all over the place. I think it gave me a much better perspective on everything, especially because Ryan didn't know a single person I mentioned. In the St Lukes carpark we laughed about how my brief high school boyfriend tried to get me to like him by forging things in common with me that made no sense. In the Rocket Park carpark we talked about what our Year 10 selves would think about us if they had been watching us the whole day. Ryan thought he would be pleased that he has a car but why the fuck doesn't he have a girlfriend. I thought I'd be amazed that I had managed to have gone out with two people but mainly really excited that I had gone away with friends the previous weekend and was planning to do it again three weeks later. And that I was in some kind of scene that involved catching buses to town on a Wednesday night and standing around in some kind of basement listening to distortion. We both felt kind of weird that we didn't have hardly any of the same friends. We also both laughed because Year 10 Ryan would have been forewarned about an incident where he thought that babies came out the front below the belly button.

IN CONCUSION:

1. I don't know how on earth Camp is going to turn out this year.
2. I don't know when to book tickets back because I kind of want to stay in Wellington a couple of days but I have nowhere to stay since my lease runs out a couple of days before and the electricity's not on anyway. I would just camp out with Joe but the nearest campground is in Lower Hutt and the last bus there is really early on a weekday.
3. I don't know what it's going to be like going to uni and seeing people I know everyday.
4. I added James Stuteley on lastfm but then I realised that last time I had been listening to iTunes, I had put it on shuffle and fallen asleep so I hope he doesn't think I'm really into the xx and The White Stripes last album.